You may not believe this about me… but this is the longest I have been single in my entire adult life. I have been a sex educator for 12 years and coaching for 3, but in all of those years I have been in and out of relationships constantly. I knew myself well as a couple with another person, but as a single person, not so much. I have been officially single for a year and a half now which may not seem like a lot to some, but to me it feels like a lifetime!
Learning how to be alone and practicing being alone has been something I have wanted to do for a very long time but have always been too afraid to. Some questions that would come up for me were, “What if I get lonely? What do I do when I’m horny and have no one to fulfill that for me? How will I believe I am beautiful when no one is there to tell me that I am beautiful?” I’m not going to lie, the first year of singlehood in my early 30s was weird and challenging. I had a lot of sex I didn’t want to have, had moments of intense self-deprecation, and had to battle with feelings of undesirability and unworthiness constantly. It was awful. The last 6 months, however, I have taken a turn for the better, and honestly, I don’t think I have ever loved myself this much or have ever been this happy with myself. I love the life I have created!
The question still remained, though… “What do I do when I am horny and have no one to fulfill that for me?” I decided in the last 6 months that I wanted to be more selective with the people I share my body with. To be a little more discerning as a single person sometimes means that sex won’t be as frequent. That was hard for me to accept especially since I have such a high libido! So, in the last several months, I have learned how to make love…to myself.
You have heard of making love to someone you are in love with, but what if you were in love with yourself? What does making love to yourself look like for you? I have learned through trial and error what it looks like for me and it is AWESOME! For me, it’s 3 things… marijuana, Rufus Du Sol, and the Wellness Palm Sense by Blush. I love using my Palm Sense because it fits perfectly in between my fingers, the vibration is strong and covers my entire vulva, and it’s very soft to the touch. THANK YOU JESUS! So, what does making love to yourself look like? Here are some questions to help you figure that out!
- The foreplay! Take yourself out on a date! What do you enjoy doing? Get dressed up for you! Go to the movies, a fancy dinner, or a fun activity. Enjoy your own company and have some fun.
- Setting the mood. What ambiance gets you excited? Do you like candles? Are you a bath person? Do you like sunlight? Or being in a pitch-black room? Set the mood in your environment for this occasion.
- What turns you on? There are 2 different types of arousal; spontaneous and responsive. When you’re making love to you, it’s important to think of stimuli that your body can respond to in order to experience arousal. Do you enjoy erotica? Like watching porn? Fantasize about a past sexual experience? Watch yourself in the mirror? Wear lingerie?
- Do any (legal) substances help you get there better? For me it’s weed! For some, it’s a glass of wine, or CBD oil. Explore and see what works!
- How do you enjoy being touched? Have you ever REALLY touched your body? Like every inch of it? I love to do an activity with my clients where I have them close their eyes and touch every part of their bodies while naked. I suggest you do the same! Play with all parts of you, not just your genitals.
- How do you like to masturbate? Like using toys? Toys are such a fun way to spice up your solo practice. I am more into clitoral play when I masturbate which is why the Blush Wellness Palm Sense works for me! Figure out what works for you and roll with it! Perhaps you enjoy g-spot stimulation which you can spice up with the Blush Wellness G Curve or dual stimulation which is super fun with the Hop Lola Bunny G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator. Explore what makes you feel amazing!
- Aftercare. After the deed is done, do something kind for yourself. For me, I LOVE to snuggle in bed with my fluffy pillows and go to sleep. That does it for me! What does it for you?
I hope this helps you on your own sexual empowerment journey! Whether you’re coupled or not, learning the art of personal lovemaking can only make your sex life better!
Jocelyn Silva, MSW Sexual Empowerment Coach (she/her)